That's the view of talkSPORT's Jason Cundy after United needed to score a stoppage-time goal to beat Rangers 2-1 in the Europa League.
After a Jack Butland own goal gave the hosts the lead, Cyriel Dessers netted a late equaliser to put the Scottish giants in reach of a draw.
However, United captain Bruno Fernandes thundered in a cross from Lisandro Martinez for the winning goal at Old Trafford.
Ruben Amorim's side have taken a huge step towards reaching the last 16 of the competition as they sit fourth in the table.
But Cundy was less than impressed with how they performed on the night and wouldn't fancy their chances in the Scottish Premiership against Rangers or reigning champions Celtic.
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"Terrible, terrible football. What have I just watched?" he said on The Sports Bar afterwards. "Two teams that just are just trying to find and fight their way to get something going.
"Man United, honestly… what was Butland and the own goal about? If you ask Jack Butland to punch the ball his own goal when he's trying to punch it one way, yet somehow get some backspin on it you know, he wouldn't be able to do it. A freak goal.
"It's all about the result. Yeah, knockout cup football is all about the result. But Man United fans are looking for a bit more, you're looking for like seeds or a little bit of, you know, green shoots of recovery.
"'Is there something there we can build? Is there something happening?' Sad news for them is no, there's no green shoots of recovery, that's all about the result."
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Cundy added: "Based on what I'm looking at and the bits I've seen from Celtic, I don't think United would beat them.
"So Rangers are some distance behind Celtic, right? There's a chasm between them, and there's another chasm between them and [Dundee United] who are third [in the Scottish Premiership].
"Man United, this is a side... There's many reasons as to why United are where they are and how they are.
"But the goal that they conceded, what is Harry Maguire doing? Now, this is his position, this is where it suits him. It's a long way, he sees it coming… it's terrible defending. It's a lovely finish with his laces right, but what is Maguire doing?"
Cundy then said: "Rangers can go home and I think hold their heads up high, they're struggling.
"They deserved something out of tonight's game, United were terrible. I thought Rangers were pretty damn poor as well in all honestly, two bad teams I thought.
"And I'm looking at that, I wouldn't put a pound of Cundy money on Man United to go up in the Scottish Premiership and win the title. Not one single pound. Celtic will give them a game.
"Those two teams out there, they stunk the game out. That was a terrible spectacle."
United's win comes days after head coach Amorim suggested that this was the worst team in their entire 147-year history.
He admitted after that he made a mistake but will surely be pleased to have seen the reaction from his side on Thursday.
They are on course to advancing straight through to the last 16 of the Europa League thanks to the win over Rangers.
United's final game of the league phases comes away to FC Steaua Bucuresti next week, with qualification all but confirmed.